


Mirror

by TheSoulOfAStrawberry



Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: Character Study, Drabble, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Ghostly obsessions, Slight Badger Cereal, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:17:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSoulOfAStrawberry/pseuds/TheSoulOfAStrawberry
Summary: Having a female clone as a trans boy doesn't bode well, and Danny looks for answers.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i guess, a lot of people take danny having dani as his [most successful] clone as being ~proof~ of him being trans, and i found that interesting.
> 
> i wrote this maybe a month ago but let it sit because i wondered if it made danny seem like a dick and that that was down to him being trans (ie, i was worried it was subtly transphobic?) but tbh trans or not, he seems to struggle with his own potential for evil all the same. struggling with his own gender expression and dysphoria would obviously amplify those feelings, imo?
> 
> kinda drabble tho, if you have any thoughts on how to extend it hmu in the comments!

Though Danny would never admit it, the first time he’d met Danielle, it had struck him that she might be some cruel joke.

Not that the rest of his creepy clones didn’t strike him as cruel either. He did, after all, have nightmares in which he watched himself melt into a puddle of ectoplasm, night after night, for weeks after the incident. But Danielle was different, cruel in existence in her own way; as while the other clones may have given him nightmares, Danielle tortured his waking thoughts, while he clawed at his chest and wondered if this was Vlad’s way of mocking him.

It was hard to know. Danny had always assumed Vlad knew he was trans- after all, he was something of an uncle to him, so it only made sense that his parents might have mentioned it. And yet, trying to work out the intentions of a half-ghost who once intentionally turned the whole of Amity Park against his own kind, of a man who wanted Daniel for both his son and his nemesis, could be a challenge to say the least.

He was glad he’d met Dani as a human first, only having the opportunity to put her existence into the context of his own later when he was alone, or he might have had a much different reaction. He wasn’t sure what it was about seeing her ghost form that changed his perception, but suddenly, looking into those blue eyes was like looking into a cursed mirror, where his worst and realest fear stared innocently back at him.

And that was what hurt most about it. Dani didn’t deserve his hatred, his bitterness, his biting dysphoria. At worst she was a pawn in whatever game Vlad was playing, and when he got to know her, finding out she was her own halfa- sassy, confident, eager to learn, interested in travel- only made him hate himself more.

Hence, painful an experience though it may have been (no thanks to Valerie, as much as he loved her) he was glad of the opportunity to save Dani from that same ecto-puddle fate as those who had gone before her. He could prove to himself that those thoughts, those horrid, invasive thoughts, meant nothing to who he was. Right?

“Actions speak louder than words Danny,” Tucker had explained. “Like, trust me, most people are racist, because it’s the way they’re brought up. Some of those thoughts you’ll never be able to train out of your head, but as long as you acknowledge those thoughts and never do anything to hurt someone, it’ll be OK.”

“You’re not a bad person,” Sam laughed, as if the notion were ridiculous, as if it were impossible he was feeling this way. “You’re a hero Danny, you save people day-in, day-out."

Tucker had met his eyes before he opened his mouth, knowing where Danny was going with the conversation as he began to pour out his doubts about himself. 

“I… I was a hero, and I still became Dan.” He paused, and shook his head violently. “Sometimes I wonder if this hero thing is all an act, some kind of overcompensation for the fact I’m actually kind of a jerk and just… all this stuff, the trans stuff and the ghost stuff, makes me a really bitter and horrible person and I’m always…” he gestured with his hands, “This close to hurting someone I love.”

“Yeah, but you beat Dan,” Tucker shrugged. “That’s what I mean. Having bad thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person dude, it makes you…” A flash of realisation crossed his face, and he chuckled to himself. “It makes you human.”

“Yeah, and if you think about it, Dan and Dani are just two versions of yourself you’re not. Stop using them to torture yourself and, I dunno, use them to be thankful for what you’re not? You’re a guy. A good guy.”

Danny had more than enough comebacks on why that wouldn’t work, but Sam’s soft smile and Tucker’s nod of understanding stopped him short. That was just it- he could inwardly berate himself about his masculinity all he wanted, but if Tucker and Sam didn’t hear it, then he was… Did that make him a good person? Or a coward?

Jazz’s advice was better. It always was, loath though he might be to admit it.

“Oh little brother,” she sighed. “That’s the thing with kids, you see everything so black and white.” She smiled to herself, before ruffling his hair. “There’s nothing wrong with black and white. My favourite ghost goes round in his black and white doing what he thinks is right based on a very simple set of morals, and a lot of the time, that works fine, and he does a great job,” she winked, and were it not for the fact he desperately needed the validation in that moment, he might have cringed.

“But that’s just it. Life isn’t always that simple, and there’s no true answer on what is “right” or “good”. You depend so much on that in what you do so I don’t blame you struggling with it, but you don’t need to worry about a higher meaning of what it means to be a “good person” Danny. I mean, I might be wrong but you’ve died and you never mentioned a higher power coming to judge your sins, right? Just do your best, that’s all anyone’s asking of you. I trust your judgement.”

He wondered if she’d still think that way if she knew he’d thought about neglecting to save Dani.

Everything made both more and less sense when Frostbite eventually explained ghostly obsessions to him.

“Your obsession is clearly heroism, Great One.” He smiled a kindly smile. “Which on the surface, may seem like an honourable obsession, and indeed it is. But a ghost’s obsession is a tricky affair for the ghost who holds it, regardless of its nature. After all, it gives the ghost purpose and indeed validates its existence, while in the same breath binding the ghost to the physical plane, unable to move on and likely unable to fulfil what can often be a complicated or destructive desire.”

“Your sibling isn’t wrong, and neither are your human companions, but being fixated on the dialectic between good and evil will always be a part of you, Great One. Consider though, that less strongly-willed ghosts with your obsession would easily take to purposely putting the ones they love in harm’s way in order to satisfy their obsession; something I’m almost sure you’ve never done, or have been tempted to do.” Frostbite’s expression was somewhere between comforting and wary, looking deep into his eyes as Danny looked up from where he had been resting on his lap, as if his last statement had been more of a question. Danny tried to smile, in an attempt to assure Frostbite of his innocence, but the yeti had never been looking for an answer. Danny later realised he meant it as a question to ask himself, and indeed it echoed round his head for months after. 

“Obsessions are powerful forces, even for a half-ghost like yourself.”

Of course, actions had counted for more, and he’d saved Danielle, whether as a result of his obsession or from the good of his heart, he’d never know. And she seemed none the wiser of her cousin’s- or, as it turned out, her father’s- conflicted emotions towards her.

Her disappearance after he saved her from Vlad’s clutches the first time had given him time to think. 

His issues about his gender were his own. He tried to train himself to think this way, sorting his logic such that his own self-hatred could only ever cycle in on itself. 

Dani wasn’t him. Dani wasn’t him. Dani wasn’t him. 

He knew, deep down, if he wanted to come to terms with Danielle’s existence quickly, he should have confronted Vlad. A large part of him believed that if Vlad did know Danny was trans, he wasn’t the type of person to put that much effort into being transphobic- after all, everything Vlad did to sabotage him was cut short by this strange paternalistic love Danny didn’t quite understand, beyond knowing it was the only reason he was still half-alive. And yet, there would always be doubt. Vlad’s obsession, he could only assume, was exerting power over those he cared about, and Danny couldn’t put it past him to see him using Dani to manipulate his self-esteem. Hence, he’d come to realise he’d never be able to bring that up with Vlad- at least, not of his own accord. Maybe deep down, he cared about what Vlad thought, not just because he cared what people thought in general but because it was _Vlad_ , and in an odd, slightly unhealthy way, he’d come to care about the other halfa.

Saving Dani the second time was closure. Not only had he saved her, but he’d personally made her existence permanent by stabilising her form with his parents’ Ecto-Dejecto. And so, while his dysphoria and obsession may never leave him alone, there was little that could harm the smaller halfa now that he couldn’t stop.

That, and the hug and soft, chaste kiss on the cheek she’d given her saviour made his troubles melt right away, even if only for a little while.


End file.
